Inverness loves a drink.

With 17 pubs per capita, Inverness has almost as many drinking holes as potholes and it pure shows.

But what are the best pubs in Inverness?

The Press & Journal asked this question of one of their journalists this week who was then dutifully despatched into town to hit the tourist spots, because what else even is there?  With not a sip of alcohol they managed to coin the brand-new catchphrase: “the toilets were clean and tidy” – the perfect slogan to adorn any hipster’s t-shirt spotted in Soundbar or some shite. But did they get it right?

Being a painfully local team who are passionate about our fair town city, your Inverness Tourist Board decided to re-review the P&J review just so you’re no led astray by these Aberdeen types telling us what’s-what in in our own back garden.

The 5 pubs reviewed were

1. The Gellions Bar
2. Johnny Foxes
3. MacGregor’s
4. Highlander
5. The Castle Tavern

The Gellions

This is one of the two bars claiming to be ‘the oldest bar in Inverness’. Something that no one really gives a hoot about except whoever is doing their marketing. I imagine it’s to entice the tourists into thinking a visit to The Gellions is an authentic Inverness night out. The wildly aggressive political patter at the bar set to the soundtrack of The Proclaimers whilst old guys stagger about the smoking area outside ‘Monty’s’ back bar probably makes it as an authentic a night out as any other in Scotland.

Despite being short on space, the favourite aunties of Inverness still cram into The Gellions every weekend, spilling their VBL’s as they shake their leggings at strangers to the sounds of whichever trad band is squeezed into the corner of the bar.

Tourists and locals pack this bar every night during the summer, drawn in by the live teuchter music that somehow manages to rise above the Our Price compilation CDs of bagpipe music the High Street tartan tat shops insist on blaring all the livelong day.

Aye, it’s an alright pub for a night out. But I’m yet to go in and experience a ‘clean and tidy toilet’ and I’ve been checking regularly for the last couple of decades, like.

Johnny Foxes

The Irish bar in the centre of the Highlands. Makes no real sense, but they’ve been at it for as long as I can remember. The walls are thick with Irish shite, but you won’t find an Irish accent anywhere. The P&J described the décor as ‘quirky’. We at ITB would describe it as “deliberate as a shite on a bonnet of your cheating ex’s BMW”.

But who cares about the décor? They have plenty of drink, plenty of places to sit, and they can knock out a fish supper. The toilets are passible but maybe give them a swerve if you’re wanting a quiet shite or if you’re a sneaky sniffer as the bogs have cameras in them. Whether this is to dissuade dirty-boy behaviour or there’s someone in the back with a fetish for watching folks deal with a particular tricky shit – who can tell?

Most nights the live music is provided by the usual Inverness crowd of musicians, plus a smattering of karaoke for punters looking to punish or be punished.

Again, Foxes is pretty touristy. But who can blame them for pursuing the pound of the easily pleased.  I think that might be the Inverness town city motto

MacGregor’s

Christ, the “this is a touristy place” patter never stops around here.

Macgregor’s started life as a ‘build-a-bar’ establishment. Its construction was crowdfunded by locals and is the brainchild of pseudo-famous trad musician/son of a local madman – Bruce MacGregor.  

Filled with fiddles and flights of whisky, you will be tripping over Americans searching for whatever the fuck it is they search for in Scotland. The bar is unashamedly jocktastic.

I’m often reminded of that Billy Connolly quote when entering MacGregor’s:

 “If you’re going to depend on your Scottish nationality to get you along, you’re in deep trouble”.

Cullen skink this, cranachan that… sometimes a local just wants a pint and a chat rather than constantly being faced with Rabbie Burns talking shite about beasties an’ that. But I can’t slag off one bar for being Irish in Scotland then have a go at a bar that is pure Scottish in Scotland. The gall of it all.

All that being said – it’s an alright pub. Good local drink and a decent outdoor area for the few days that the sun gets on our back in the summer.

The toilets are indeed “clean and tidy”.  

Highlander

As I write this in the cramped quarters of ITB HQ, I am listening to the classic Queen album ‘A Kind of Magic’, the unofficial soundtrack to the 1986 film ‘Highlander’ starring Christoper Lambert and Sean ‘I do no accents but this pure mad one’ Connery. Sadly, this bar has nothing to do with this cult classic, but if you’d read this far, I imagine you probably worked that one out for yourself.

More Scottish stuff for the tourists, sure. But it’s very popular with locals due to the frenetic trad music that pours out of it nightly.  I’m no that big a fan of the gaff because (and I realise this is pretty petty) the locals that talk unendingly about how great it is tend to be absolute cretins. Like, the ones that will go to Hoots and DON’T spend all night in the smoking area. You know? Those people who talk about ‘Bella’ constantly, or call Inverness “The Shneck”, or talk about how the NC500 is ‘not what it was’, or kid-on that haggis is some sort of real fuckeen creature and giggle at amateur A.I memes on Facebook. Gross.

The Highlander’s vibe is sorta the pub in The Wicker Man meets Cabaret but with fewer Germans and a couple more accordions.  Expect whisky barrels, chinos, and blazing 50 somethings asking if you’ve heard of Gerry Cinnamon.  You will struggle to get a drink at the bar over the weekend as it’s always pure packed. I guess this means they must be doing something very right, or maybe the gene pool is doing something very wrong…

The toilets are, in fact, “clean and tidy”.

The Castle Tavern

The Tavern sits opposite Inverness Castle and is a pure tourist trap because of this. But it’s maybe a wee bit more subtle with its massaging of the jock-fetishists that amble into our fair city. The shite on the walls is all about Guiness or Tennent’s, the telly is on for the football or rugby. The food is even diverse enough to see beyond the obligatory Haggis, Neeps and tatties for the American fatties.

The Tavern manages to stay authentic despite the surrounding Scottish trinkets. It’s a tiny wee place unless you count its outdoors area which is twice the size of the actual pub.  The outdoors is however on the junction of a busy street, so expect a good lung-full of good ol’ fashioned Scottish petrol fumes to go along with your steak pie.

I’ve watched many a Euros or World Cup in the Tavern, dodging the open-mouthed visitors oblivious to the world that spins around them and their “Scoddish” vacation.

I am happy to report that the toilets are “clean and tidy”.