Dingwall Revealed To Be Pure Made-up

The Highland Council admitted today that they had “made-up” the town of Dingwall in order to scare Inverness kids into going to school.

Dingwall was first created some time during the Cold War between Russia and the West, when the council found that Inverness kids were leaving school early at an alarming rate. It was then decided that the best way to keep kids in school was to invent a “terror town” and threaten pupils with the prospect of having to live and work there should they fail to get any qualifications.

A Freedom of Information request revealed that the Council had been tricking locals for decades, and that any positive collective memories of Dingwall like Wimpy or the road out of Dingwall, had been planted into local minds through the manipulation of mass media, relentless advertising, and the mind-control drugs that are baked into each and every Harry Gow dream ring. All these efforts were to make the horror Royal Burgh “more believable to the public”, including inventing a football team that INCONCEIVABLY was better than its rival across the Kessock Bridge.

The Highland Council was unavailable for comment today, but a wee minker from Dingers said: “Finally we can stop this mad charade. I’ve been waking up every morning, dressing like a wee mink, and then wandering around Inverness talking about The Mallard and Ross County like they were real things. I just want to go home to my wife and kids up in Kinmylies…”