Saint Andrew’s day is a day in which Inverness is forced to celebrate its favourite sex pest – Prince Andrew, Duke of York, Earl of Inverness and Baron Killyleagh.
Traditionally the good folk of Inverness will turn out to Inverness Cathedral where the Earl of Inverness will be dressed in his ceremonial deny, deny, deny robes and carrying his ‘How To Get Away With Anything’ manual as the awkward crowds throw cans of deodorant and Pizza Express gift cards at the feet of the errant earl. These offerings are meant to appease the insatiable hunger of the pervert Prince, lest he may grow hungry and hunt the local townsfolk’s children, leaving a trail of damning newspaper columns and receipts from lawsuit damages payouts to be cleaned up by the Crown.
Saint Andrew’s day is a time of both joy and despair for Inverness. The locals are glad that the Earl can be satiated by their offerings, but that joy is also met with despair. Despair that we can never be free of this dirty wee article and we are forever doomed to keep the cunt fed before he strikes again.
Happy ‘Saint’ Andrew’s Day
Inverness Tourist Board 
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